


Murphy's Law

by supportingcharacters (orphan_account)



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-31
Updated: 2014-10-31
Packaged: 2018-02-23 08:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2540507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/supportingcharacters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean had made his choice, but it didn't make it hurt any less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Murphy's Law

**Author's Note:**

> send me prompts from [here!](http://spookycharacters.tumblr.com/post/98424507699/peekbelowthesurface-send-me-a-number-and-two) any and all welcome. this one was from an anon, erejean for 15 (silence) and 59 (no way out). also posted on tumblr [here](http://spookycharacters.tumblr.com/post/101394886309/15-or-59-for-erejean)

Eren chuckled, running his hand through his mop of hair. “You’re an idiot, you know that?”

Jean grinned back. “You’re one to talk.”

The dining hall was quiet at this time of night. Tomorrow morning everyone would need to be up bright and early, but most people didn’t get much sleep, not on the night before an expedition. Outside, the night was dark but calm, bright stars twinkling and the moon so sharp it could kill a titan. It was warm and beautiful; completely uncaring that tomorrow a lot of people would meet their gruesome deaths.

Eren had tried to get some sleep. He had an important role in every expedition, and he needed to be well rested. But he hadn’t been able to sleep. Nobody could. No point staying in bed, tossing and turning. He got up for what was meant to be a walk, but when he saw Jean sitting awake in the dining hall, he ended up joining him.

They certainly had come a long way since their petty arguing in their trainee days. Jean was someone he could trust. Whenever he strayed off his path, Jean was there to push him back on track. They were different in some ways, and identical in other.

Jean was also the person he was in love with.

He wasn’t sure when it had happened, exactly, but when he eventually realized, it hit him like a ton of bricks.

They argued sometimes, but Jean had come a long way since their first meeting. He was trustworthy and reliable and he had a heart far bigger than Eren had been let believe when they were younger. He was sharp and blunt and an asshole, but he cared a lot, and had a softer side he had tried his best to hide. As they grew closer as friends, Eren discovered more and more of this hidden side.

Mikasa and Armin would always be his best friends, but Jean was different. Talking with him made his stomach twist and his heart jump. Jean always knew how he was feeling. Tonight, when Eren had wandered in, he had wordlessly pushed out a chair for him. He knew what was up. “I’m scared too,” was all he had said, touching his shoulder gently.

The thing that surprised Eren, was the fact that Jean was in love with him, too.

They were both too aware that with an expedition tomorrow, this night could be their last, so they steered the conversation away from that. Eren talked about his dreams of seeing the ocean. Jean told him he was ridiculous, but that if they ever made it to the ocean, he wanted to see it too.

The bizarre thing wasn’t their love for each other. In the end, nobody had been very surprised, apart from them. The bizarre thing was their silent agreement not to act on it.

Eren loved Jean, but Eren had lost so many people in his life already. His mother, his father, his friends, and his home town – he wasn’t prepared to lose Jean as well. He knew if it came to it, he would have no say in the matter…but a tiny part of him was hoping that if it did happen, it would be less painful. Just like he knew Jean loved him, he knew he felt the same way.

Besides – Eren had to rid the world of the titans. He needed to focus on that, for now. When it was all over, he could focus on Jean.

He didn’t know how much time they killed in the empty dining hall, filling the silence with stupid jokes and light laughter. Eren didn’t even notice the time slipping away until Jean yawned loudly. “It’s late,” he said. “Maybe we should get some sleep. We’ll need our rest for tomorrow.”

Eren nodded, but neither of them moved for a moment. “Be careful tomorrow, yeah?” he said quietly.

Jean sighed. “I’ve no intention of dying tomorrow,” he said. “So I’ll do my best.”

“I mean it, Jean.” Eren inched his hand closer to Jean’s on the table, so that their fingers were touching.

“I know.” Jean looked at their hands for a long moment. “It’s just a simple mission, Eren. Just to get the cadets used to being outside of the walls. Nothing terrible is going to happen. I hope.”

“Jea-”

“But I’m not going to just let myself die, y’know. I’m not going to go down without a fight.” Jean moved his hand, linking his fingers in between Eren’s. The gesture was small, but Eren could feel his face heat up as he looked at Jean. A look of understanding passed between them.

“When all this is over,” Eren blurted, “when all this is over, then we’ll have time to do…whatever.” He squeezed Jean’s hand.

Jean scoffed. “If it’s ever over,” he said, but he gave his hand a squeeze back.

Eren went to sleep shortly after, a flutter in his heart and his mind away from titans. Jean was right – it was just a simple mission, the type of ones that brought barely any casualties down upon them. Nothing was going to go wrong, not tomorrow. He couldn’t say what would happen in the future, but if tomorrow night he was able to spend time with Mikasa and Armin and Jean again, he would be happy.

**Murphy’s Law: Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.**

A simple mission, they had been told.

Of course, with the Scouting Legion, anything that could go wrong went wrong. Too many aberrants, a high concentration of titans, suspected foul play from one of the shifters – it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Eren had to go titan mode, and he and a single squad got split off from the rest of the Scouts, lost somewhere in the trees.

Eren was stuck in his titan’s nape, steam hissing off his chopped limbs as he hung half sunk into the flesh. Mikasa stood near him, doing her best to cut him out. Mikasa was Mikasa – stronger than one hundred soldiers, but she was still only one person. Only one person with just two blades left and a quarter of a tank of gas.

Jean was there too – not in much better condition than Mikasa. There had been three others with them – dead, now. He had no idea where the other Scouts were. Most likely looking for them, but in thick trees like this their flare system wouldn’t be working.

Jean dumped gear on one of the branches. He had taken it from a dead body (it left a horrible taste in his gut but it wasn’t the first time he had to do it). Eren’s would be burned and ruined from his time in the titan.

Eren took deep breaths, trying to slow his rapid heartbeat. This was bad. This was really bad. The titan’s flesh finally seared away, and with help from his sister, he managed to get on his feet again. He was shaky though; he had to grip Mikasa’s shoulder as he pulled on his dead comrade’s gear. Even as he was putting it on, he could hear the heavy footsteps of titans in the distance.

Jean was quiet. “We’re not all going to get away,” he said after a few seconds. Through the trees, Eren could just about make out the silhouettes of the titans drawing near. “There are too many of them and not enough of us. We don’t have enough time to outrun them. We don’t have enough gas or blades to fight them off.”

“Shut up, Jean,” Eren hissed. “Stop complaining and try to help think of a way out.”

“The route was to loop around this forest by the river,” Mikasa said. “If we head north we should come out near there, and if we’re lucky we’ll find the rest of the Scouts.”

“But we won’t last long with all these titans on our tails.”

“Jean—”

“Jean’s right,” Mikasa sighed. “We need time to get away, and Eren, you’re not strong enough to go at your full speed yet. We need extra time.”

Eren felt as if the world was closing in around them, and he felt the need to get out from the reaches of the trees. “Let’s go then,” he said. “No time to waste, let’s get out of here.”

“There is no way out,” Jean said, his voice dull. “Not for all of us.”

_Oh_.

The sun had dipped beneath the trees, but the orange glow still streaked through the sky above them. Nearby, a bird flew out of its nest, swooping over the branches and out of sight. A light breeze played with the leaves.

Eren’s heart was having a hard time trying to process these words. His breathing was speeding up and the pressure around him seemed to grow, like a noose tightening around his neck. This wasn’t happening, this couldn’t be happening, he couldn’t lose one of them on top of everything.

Jean sighed, and he looked like he had the day of their first Scouting Legion expedition. “Someone has to go,” he said. “If someone distracts them, the other two will make it out. And Mikasa’s the strongest soldier in our generation, and you’re the last hope of humanity, so.” Jean choked out a laugh. “Guess it’s my time to shine.”

This was all so wrong – Jean was the one who was going to outlive them all in a comfortable safe live in Wall Sina, not the one who was going to willingly die for Eren to get away. Jean was the one who Eren loved, the person who once the war with the titans was over, Eren was going to love and adore every day. He couldn’t die before he had that chance.

There were tears forming in Eren’s eyes. “No. You can’t, I won’t let you.”

Mikasa glanced from Eren to Jean. “I’ll give you two a minute,” she said softly. “But a minute’s all we have.” She rested a hand on Jean’s shoulder for a second before moving to a different branch on a different tree, keeping an eye on the approaching titans.

“Someone has to,” Jean said, once she had gone. He came closer to Eren. “I don’t want to die, I never did, but if humanity wants a damn _chance_ at winning this war, we need you and Mikasa fighting.”

“I can’t leave you behind. I won’t.”

Eren was yelling now. Jean took another step forward. He looked…accepting. He knew he was going to die, he knew he was going to be dead within the hour, but somehow he managed to blink back his tears.

The only person Eren knew that was as stubborn as himself was Jean. It was that moment when it came crashing down; he knew Jean was going to go ahead with this.

Before he had harboured childish hopes that if it ever came to this, it would be less painful if they had kept their distance. Really and truly, he had never believed that it would come to this, and decided to deal with pesky things like feelings after the titan problem was gone. Now, he realized what a fucking _idiot_ he had been.

If he had made the most of their time, who knew how long they would’ve had? Weeks, months, years – now all they had was seconds. Words left unsaid rushed to him but he didn’t have the time to say them. “I love you,” he blurted out.

Jean quickly wiped at the corner of his own eye. “I know,” he said. “I love you too.”

“I know,” Eren said. He wanted to cry, he wanted to cling to Jean and cry like a three year old but their time was running out.

Jean began to move, but froze. Instead, he leaned forward, pressing his lips against Eren’s for just a second. Eren barely had time to register the kiss before Jean was pulling away, drawing his blades.

Mikasa swung back down. “They’re nearly here,” she said. “We need to go.”

Jean took a deep breath. “I’ll do my best to lead them south,” he said. “I’ll go now.” He turned to Eren. “Take care.”

Eren swallowed. “You too.”

Jean’s eyes were wet but he still managed a smirk. He opened his mouth as if to say something else, but decided against it. A final wave, and he was gone.

Eren felt numb as he and Mikasa moved out immediately. He felt numb as they zipped through the trees as fast as his exhausted and weak body could go. When they found the rest of the Scouts and retreated back to the walls, he felt numb.

No, numb wasn’t the right word to describe it. He felt as if a piece of his very heart and soul had been destroyed.

***

Eren wasn’t a little kid anymore. He knew they couldn’t save anyone, he knew that they had to leave people behind. Sacrifices had to be made, and while this was a fact he hated every day it was one he had learned the hard way to accept. He knew that nobody died in glory, people died quickly and painfully in terror. He knew that there was no time to cry or grieve outside the walls; you had to focus on getting back alive before you could let your tears fall.

Eren knew that this end was something Jean had accepted all those years ago, when he forsook a safe, easy life in the Military Police for a hard life in the Scouting Legion. To Jean, it probably hadn’t come as a surprise – more like an unwelcome event he presumed would happen sooner or later. He made his choice, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.

Eren didn’t cry when they got back to the safety of the walls. He didn’t cry during the mission debriefings or the reports. He felt hollow, though, as if his chest had been scooped out. Countless others had died, countless others had willingly given their lives to save others, but he could only focus on the loss of Jean. Did that make him a bad person, only focusing on the death of a loved one? He wasn’t sure.

It took a while for the grief to set in. After the original impact and pain, it seemed to wash over him. He went about his usual routine, pushing it down, focusing on being grateful that Mikasa and Armin and so many others had made it.

It wasn’t until he woke up during the night and found himself in the dining hall that it really hit him. Silence washed over him as he sat alone. Most nights after expeditions he and Jean would sit in an easy but heavy silence, the weight of the day’s events bearing down on them until Jean would nudge him and say, _“you can’t save everyone, Eren,”_ and he would say _“neither can you, Jean.”_

There was no one to sit with and comfort through small touches and big words, no one to push the fear and sadness back with. Only silence, and a gap by his side and in his heart that would never really be filled. He exhaled slowly.

“So much for no intention of dying,” he muttered. “So much for not going down without a fight. Bastard.” Eren let his head fall into his arms, and it was only then that he allowed himself to cry.

**Author's Note:**

> ty for reading  
> drop a comment or tell me what u think if ur in the mood?  
> hmu on [tumblr](http://spookycharacters.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/scharacters)


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